A trio of Harry Potter funnies
by KivatheDCWizard
Summary: A trio of comedic oneshots. All three involving Draco trying to make fun of our heroes, but only to make a fool of himself.
1. Chapter 1

WHAT IF HARRY POTTER HAD MAGIC WEAPONS INSTEAD OF WANDS?

It was a new rage. Young wizard and witches now channeled their magic with magical weapons instead of wands. Harry and his friends were admiring their new additions.

Harry: And the most awesome thing about this spear? I can also ride it like a broom! And I don't have to buy new ones each year, since these weapons grow better as we grow better as wizards! It's amazing.

Ron: That's quite clever. I myself am just happy with the sword. Swords are awesome. Makes my old wand look like a stupid drumstick. Not the chicken leg, actual drum sticks…though I'm suddenly craving chicken now. But Hermione…seriously?

Hermione was holding a huge pen-like weapon.

Hermione: I'm a bookworm, what did you expect?

Neville: I got a shield…I hoped a more…offensive weapon had chosen me.

Harry: No worries Neville. A shield has great uses too.

Draco: Yeah, so you can hide behind it like a little bitch!

Draco Malfoy and his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle were behind him. Draco held a pimp cane weapon, while Crabbe and Goyle had a gauntlet weapon, Crabbe on his left hand and Goyle on his right.

Draco: My weapon is far less conspicuous, it is more about style and elegance. And noble. I am from nobility, did I mention that?

Harry: Only every bloody minute of every bloody hour of every bloody day.

Neville: I am not a little bitch.

Draco: If you were any more of a bitch, you'd be a dog, Longbottom.

Neville: At least I don't have frosted tips!

Draco: That does it! Get him Goyle!

Goyle rushed forwards to punch Neville, whom held out his shield. Goyle's armored fist hit it and it made Goyle wobble form the backlash of hitting the solid thing. After he stopped he tried punching with his normal hand, but Neville pulled up his shield again, and Goyle hurt his fist. He screamed before pulling his foot back. He kicked, but hit the shield again, hurting his foot. He hopped on one leg as Malfoy facepalmed.

Draco: Use your head, Goyle!

Goyle decides to use a headbutt…and hurt his head butting the shield.

Neville: I think I like this thing now.

Draco: I am surrounded by idiots.

Hermione: Takes one to know another.

Luna: Hey guys, what is up?

Ron: Admiring our weapons, until Dork-o decides to ruin the mood.

Draco: Oh look, it's Looney Lovegood. What do you have for a weapon? A whistle that summons non-existant Snorcracks?

Luna: I have a whistle, but it is not my weapon. (She pulls out a rocket launcher) This is!

Draco: Is that what I think it is?

Luna blasted Draco and his cronies with her weapon, and they all were black and scorched.

Crabbe: Yeah, that was what you thought it was…(faint)

Draco: My father will hear about this! (faints too)

Goyle: Pudding! (faints)

Harry: Whoa…

Ron: Remind me to not tick you off.

Luna: It was quite an experience getting it. It was odd, when I took it with me to the other shops they took a look at it and gave me a discount…those shopkeepers appeared really twitchy. Oh well, who wants pudding?

Harry: Pudding sounds good.


	2. Chapter 2

WHAT IF HARRY POTTER HAD FAMILIARS?

A new rage in the wizarding worlds is reviving an old trend; having mystical familiars. More then just pets, these animals and creatures bond on a more intimate mystical level with their owner with awesome results.

Harry's owl Hedwig, when bonding on this level, was now able to transform into a weird hippogriff-like creature, with the bird part being her snow owl parts, and instead of horse parts, it looked more like deer parts.

Harry: Hedwig, you look amazing! I wonder how this ever faded into obscurity.

Hermione: Oddly enough the records about that happening got lost. Must be another war or something.

Hermione was now petting Crookshanks, whom now had taken on the size and proportions of a sabertooth tiger thanks to the familiar effect.

Ron: Who cares how it happened? We got it back now and we are not lending this trend die.

Ron's owl Pigwidgeon has undergone a similar transformation as Hedwig, only with boar parts instead of horse parts and two boar-like tusks at the sides of his beak. Ron was feeding it a huge steak.

Neville: Yeah, no one even maks fun of Trevor anymore.

Neville's toad was now the size of a horse and had horns. He croaked.

?: Hah, you call that a familiar? I call that laughable!

Neville (sighs): Except for Draco Malfoy!

Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Malfoy! Can't you let us enjoy the nice things we have?

Draco Malfoy stood there, like he owned the place, a white peacock on his shoulder. Crabbe and Goyle respectively had their own familiars, a small river troll (which was still pretty big) and a gargoyle respectively (which was so ugly it almost couldn't be told apart from his owner).

Draco: No! I have much nicer things. One of my family's prestigious peacocks puts all of your familiars to shame. Come on, Albedo, show them how great you are.

The Peacock transformed into a flash into a huge bird whom looks like part eagle, part phoenix and part peacock, mixing elegance, beauty and awesome factor of the three aforementioned birds.

Draco: F***ing majestic! Look at it! Look at it! Your pets pale towards my work of art!

Harry: Draco…just…get a hobby! Don't you have anything better to do then to try to make us miserable? Collect stamps…or juggle chainsaws.

Ron: Nobody cares Malfoy! We don't care you are rich, we don't care you are pure-blood, we don't care you are the king of Slytherin and we don't care about your overgrown chicken!

Hermione: Yeah, you turn everything in a dick-measuring contest!

Neville: Yeah, what they said!

Malfoy: Well…er…I'm still better then you!

Harry: And now he does kindergarten type insults.

Luna: Hello, what is going on?

Luna Lovegood walked in, lifting her Spectrespecs on top of her head.

Hermione: Dork-o Mal-Fail is showing off the familiar no one cares about.

Luna: Familiars? That is neat; I got one too myself?

Draco: Oh, what is it? One of those non-existant Crapplehorn Snorlaxes?

Luna: It is Crumplehorned Snorcrack. And yes, I have.

Luna puts her fingers in her mouth and whistles. The most bizarre creature ever appeared besides her. It was an oversized…chameleon, rhino thing with a humped back, the hump having a bit of a turtle-shell like texture. It was purple. Very purple. And for some reason, it bleated.

Everyone stared at it wide-eyed.

Ron: What the heck am I even looking at?

Luna: It's a Crumple-horned…

Ron: I know but I can't believe it!

Hermione: Well…I owe you a major apology for ever doubting you and the existence of any of the animals you were talking about. I'm really sorry, Luna.

Luna: It's ok. I don't hold grudges.

Draco: I don't know what that is, I don't care. Our familiars are better. We are going to prove it! Familiar fight. Crabbe, Goyle, send yours out!

Crabbe and Goyle sent out the troll and the gargoyle. They went for the Snorcrack first, whom was the closest to them. The troll swung its club, but unexpectedly, the Snorcrack caught the club in his hand. The expression on its face hasn't changed. It then swings around the much bigger troll like it was nothing, slamming him into the ground repeatedly, and then slamming it into the gargoyle, shattering it to stone. The troll was knocked out.

Everyone had a wide-eyed stare again. A farting sound was heard as the scared peacock familiar of Draco laid an egg. Neville let out an impressed whistle.

Draco: T-t-that means nothing. Crabbe and Goyle's familiars are nothing to Albedo. Go, my pet! Show them what you're made off!

The peacock creature manned up. It approached the Crumple-Horned Snorcrack…It looked as expressionless as ever. It opened its mouth, a green magic laser shot from its mouth and engulfed Albedo. When the light died down, a huge pile of fried chicken was in the place of the familiar. The other familiars swarmed it and gorged the fried poultry down.

Harry: I think I have eye cramp from being wide-eyed all the time.

Hermione: I-I-I got nothing! The existence of this thing has just shattered all my beliefs. I don't know anything about everything anymore.

Ron: You know, despite all what happened the biggest thing I wonder about is how a peacock, a boy bird, laid an egg!

Neville: I really love that girl!

Draco looked at what had just transpired, took a moment to process it and…

Draco: NOPE! Nope, nope, nope, nope ! I'm done, I'm out of here. I give up! I'm just going down to the Common Room, get a bucket of rocky road ice cream from the kitchen, plunge down in the most comfy couch and just eat my depression away!

Draco left. Crabbe and Goyle shrugged and followed Draco. Goyle briefly returned to pick up the huge peacock egg.

Goyle: I am going to make so many egg tarts with you. (he notices the others starting) What? I do have a life out of being Draco's bodyguard you know! Can't Slytherins be allowed to cook?

He then rejoins the other Slytherins, leaving the heroes alone. Luna scratched the Snorcrack behind where his ear is supposed to be. The creature tapped its foot, but its expression didn't change.

Luna: Good job, Bubbles. Mommy is so proud.

Harry: Well…Now that's done, what do we do?

Luna: I'm going to f*** Neville!

Luna grabbed Neville by the arm and dragged him along.

Neville: Wait, I am in a relationship with Hannah…

Luna: We'll make it a menage-a-trois. I will show you and Hannah all the things you can do with pudding when you don't eat it.

Harry: Screw this! Speaking of which, I'm going to look for Ginny.

Ron: Hey, that is my sister you are talking about. You know what, forget it! Hermione?

Hermione: Way ahead of you. I borrowed '500 Kinky spells for a healthy sex life' from the library. Come along.

And then sex happened!

THE END


	3. Chapter 3

HARRY POTTER AND FRIENDS IN: PAVLOV'S SLYTHERIN

One day at Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy was being…well, Draco Malfoy.

Draco: Nobody asks your opinion, filthy Mudblood.

Hermione: Ugh…

Harry: Okay, let me at him, I am conjuring a porcupine right out of his ass!

Ron: Only if I can make him eat slugs too.

Then, Luna Lovegood came in.

Luna: Hello guys, what's going on.

Hermione: Draco called me a you-know-what again!

Draco: But you ARE a mudblood!

Luna: The more polite term is 'Muggleborn'. I'm not calling a pureblood like you 'inbred' either.

Ron: Oh, you need an Aguamenti for that burn?

Draco: You are a pureblood too!

Ron: Yeah, but everyone likes me more then you.

Draco: But your girlfriend is still a mudblood!

Harry: Enough with that word or I'll turn you into a ferret…

Luna: I have a better idea…(points wand at Malfoy and his goons) PAVLOV!

Nothing seemed to happen. Draco looked confused before he laughed.

Draco: Hah! It didn't work Looney! It is as fake as the rest of the Quibbler's articles. Is that where you got the spell from.

Luna: No, it works just fine. Just try to insult us!

Draco: All right, (points at Harry) Momma's boy, (points at Ron) Blood traitor, (points at Luna) Lunatic, (points at Hermione) Mudblood!

Then all of a sudden, Malfoy twitched up, his eyes crossed, had a goofy smile on his face and started to do a silly song and dance.

Draco Malfoy: I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout. When I'm getting steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out! (turns back to normal). What the…

Harry and friends laughed their asses off and Crabbe and Goyle looked like they were desperately trying to hold back their laughter.

Ron: Can't…breathe…

Harry: Who knew Malfoy could sing? Bwahahahaha…

Hermione: That spell was too good.

Malfoy: What the heck did you do to me?

Luna: It is a new spell. Every time you use the M-word, you do that.

Draco Malfoy: You mean Mudblood? Oh no… I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout. When I'm getting steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out!

More laughter followed.

Draco: Enough! Crabbe, Goyle, whenever I give a signal, when I want to say that particular word, you have say it for me.

Crabbe and Goyle: What word?

Draco: Mudblood! Oh son of a banshee… I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout. When I'm getting steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out!

This time even Crabbe and Goyle couldn't stop laughing. By now a lot of students have seen him do so. And a few of the teachers, whom also looked like they had to hold their laughter.

Draco: Okay, on my signal. Granger, you filthy little…

He points at Crabbe and Goyle.

Crabbe/Goyle: Huh?

Draco: Mudblood, you dimwits! Mudblood! I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout. When I'm getting steamed up hear me shout, tip me over and pour me out! (stops and recomposes himself) Next time, don't screw up! Now…

Draco points at Goyle.

Goyle: Mudblood!

Draco: Yes! That's it! You got it.

But then Goyle started to do something…He started to do a Russian dance, with crossed arms and stamping feet, while every few times he shouted 'HEY' from the top of his lungs. During the dance, one of his kicks accidentally nailed Malfoy and knocked him into a wall. After he was done, Goyle looked at the hurt Malfoy, obvious to what he had just done.

Goyle: Boss, what are you doing over there.

Draco: Contemplating your afterlife…

Malfoy recovered and kept ignoring the Potter Crew's laughs.

Draco: Now, I'm never asking you again, Goyle. I'm asking Crabbe. Whatever spell he's under, it can't be worse then what is going on with me and Goyle. Okay Crabbe… (points at him)

Crabbe: Mudblood.

Crabbe then promptly shat his pants.

Draco: Argh! Crabbe!

Crabbe: I didn't mean to…I really didn't want to do this…

Goyle: Well you certainly did do a doo-doo.

Malfoy: Oh for crying out loud…When is this spell going to wear off.

Luna: The only way you three will return to normal is when you learn their lesson.

Hermione: Knowing them that may take a while.

Draco/Crabbe/Goyle: Shut up, Mudblood! (…) Oh cru-

There was more little teapots, more Russian dancing and more crap.

Colin Creevy: I took pictures of them. Now we can get living photos where we can see them do this over and over again.

Harry: I want ten!


End file.
